1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
3. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
4. When everything comes in your way, you're in the wrong lane.
5. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
6. Born free, taxed to death.
7. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
8. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
10. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
11. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
12. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
13. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
14. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
15. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
16. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
17. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
18. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
19. Hot glass looks same as cold glass - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
20. Someday is not a day of the week
21. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
22. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
23. The road to success.... is always under construction.
24. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
25. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
26. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
Source: A forwarded mail...