May 20, 2010

Don't fantasize!

No, I'm not veering towards what the title would suggest. I am talking of some froth we create in our minds - consciously or sub-consciously. Over the last few weeks, I have been audience to few incidents that had the same underlying theme - the disappointment of expectations not being met. Let me take few general instances here:

First: A die-hard fan of a mega superstar, who likes the star madly, desiring to meet him, goes and stands outside his house everyday from 5am till the sun decides to call it a day. Even after 10 such days of wait, the mega superstar does not turn up to meet the die-hard fan, who is presumably his greatest fan. The dejected fan goes back home and vows never to worship his hero who broke his hopes and dreams so brutally and heartlessly.

Second: A boy deeply loves a girl. He expresses his love to her. He is very sweet to her and takes good care of the girl. He wishes all the happiness in the world for the girl. He desires to marry her and keep her happy, always and forever. The girl, however, does not wish to marry him. Reasons? Irrelevant here. The boy is dejected. He feels cheated. He goes down hard on the girl and thinks of her as a heartless, brutal person who has no respect for other's feelings.

Third: A young married couple wishes the joy of parenting and wishes to bring a little bundle of joy to their lives. A baby is born to them. They are extremely delighted to have value and purpose added to their lives. The baby is well taken care of. The husband quits his job to be able to be with the growing baby who needs to be nurtured. The baby grows to become a very able adult and the parents are proud of her. She falls in love with a guy and wishes to marry him. She conveys the same to her parents. The parents are dejected and feel betrayed. Their hopes have been shattered by their daughter for whom they made so many sacrifices over many years. They decide not to be with the girl in this decision and makes it very clear that the day she marries the guy, she is out of their lives. Why? Because she is heartless and brutal who does not take care of her parents' wishes and expectations.

What is common among the three instances? Expectations have been broken. Desires have been left unfulfilled. Well, hard luck. Yeah, it is a simple case of hard luck. It is utter nonsense to put the blame on the superstar/girl/child for the state of mind of the fan/boy/parents. Sounds harsh? Well, so be it. If I expect something from someone, it is MY problem and not the other person's. Why should the other person accomodate your expectations if he/she is not happy doing it? If they are not able to see your viewpoint, fair enough. Different people dances to different music in this world. If they do not like your music, hard luck. Accept it and move on. Stop feeding sympathy to yourselves. Do it if you feel so, but do not hold the other person responsible. It is your problem and you must be the one who should take care of it.

The more unfortunate factor in all these instances is that the fan/boy/parents apparently love the superstar/girl/daughter. Unconditional love, they boast! Such unconditional love that their expectations comes much before the other person's happiness. Amazing love indeed.

To all the parents in this world, your children have a life and mind of their own. Accept it. Be with them if you indeed love them.

To all the lovers in this world, the person you love may not be be happy loving you. Accept it. Be with him/her if you indeed love him/her.

Accept things. Stop fantasizing. Everything we do for others are only because they make us happy. Everytime. Let us accept that we are selfish. Let us stop blaming others for breaking your expectations from them. Sure, feel bad that your expectations have been shattered. But do not hold anybody else responsible for it.

22 comments:

Balamani Menon said...

Sir,I think unconditional love is a state where one can love everything in this world because he does not place any condition for loving somebody.But I don't thing any person of ordinary capacity can possess such divine love.Moral of the story...each form of love is backed by some kind of expection/condition.If that condition is not fulfilled ,then the foundation of love itself is shaken...may be that's why we blame others for not meeting our expectation...after all we are all humans.It is true that we should not force that other person to meet our expectation if he does not believe in it.It is easy to talk about forgiving the other person..but don't you think when we become unhappy about a certain event we will feel angry towards the person who caused such situation....What's wrong if we expect something from someone whom we love conditionally?

U No Hoo said...

Oh, nothing wrong in expecting. But surely a lot of wrong in blaming the other person. Needs to be differentiated.

Viren Shah said...

This one I liked it most. Because its actually happens (at least with me). But some times it becomes very difficult to control heart because often it is ruled by "Devil mind" who question-> "Meri kya galti? "Mere sath hi duniya mai aisa kyu hua?"

Anonymous said...

Having read your post, Sir, I do agree that the most appropriate thing to do when someone does not find it correct to reciprocate your admiration/feeling/expectation would be to simply remind yourself that it was you who instigated the process and that there is no one else to point your finger at and blame. But the more significant question here, might I add, would be how long does it take for the aforesaid truth to sink in and absolve the provisionally understandable anger within you.

And it is in this phase of transformation from a man who believes that he has suffered unjust desertion at the hands of people for whom he had done so much, to the man who smacks his head with his knuckles and smiles at his own inanity thinking, “What the heck was I trying to do in the first place?”, wherein lies the real test of your admiration/feeling/expectation.

I feel, the quicker you realize that something which you didn’t get was never meant to be yours, the quicker it takes for the pain of dejection to fade away from within your bones and the quicker you begin to acknowledge the fact that alcohol consumption is bad for your liver (the last one being specifically w.r.t instance No.2).

As for the three instances quoted by you Sir, I’ve managed to find an exceptionally practical and positively practicable solution for the first one:

Q. Suffer from the insatiable keenness of personally meeting your celebrity idol? Wish to discuss at length with them of your not so inevitable whims and fancies? Do not wish to be disappointed?
Ans. Instead of following superstars and mega superstars, settle for one among the many struggling actors and actresses living on the sets of B-grade movies (employed, I believe, for as low as Rs.175/- per dozen). My assurances; never again will you have to call it a day empty handed!

Balamani Menon said...

Sir,I Wonder whether it can actually be put into practice....

U No Hoo said...

@Viren: That's the moment when you need to get the right perspective about things :)

@Anon: Good one.

@Balamani: It is indeed practical. Absolutely doable.

Ultimate Thinking said...

It’s so true Sirji. The fanda of "expectation" and blaming other for it is the root cause of many problems. The sooner people realize it lesser problems they will have. I guess practically it happens.

Akash said...

thanx a lot sir
Act i was in prblm n got d solution
really sir thanx alot from bottomestestest of my heart

Someone, u no ;) said...

Nice post, in fact very very nice!:)
every part and thought is practical, implimentable, true...

nice_n_funny said...

The point is absolutely spot-on. That is the problem with individuals. They expect a lot more in return when they give away or sacrifice something. As a parent, my aim is to guide my children to their goals and aspirations. I only expect them to be good human beings......and that is not for my satisfaction, but for their well-being.

Vishal said...

lovely post sir...totally agree...difficult to digest n actually put 2 prac but vry true..:)

Warning : said...

In all the 3 instances the degree of attachments differs may be due to different motives. Idolising a SUPERSTAR, falling in LOVE and expecting from your own CHILD cannot be weighed on same scale.

In fact I feel there will be more discontent if one has been ‘betrayed’ by their own kid since they are used to ordering them for so many years and kids being obedient and suddenly one day comes with selfish needs and move on without giving much options. I think it is more of a SHOCK of being disobedient suddenly than displeasure. Sometimes I feel it is priceless to be selfless though everyone has their own preferences.

For some reason, I found lot more emphasis on 3rd Case and conclusion been drawn on that basis.

U No Hoo said...

@Sree: Sure, the three instances are not comparable, and that is precisely what my intention was - to get three different level of expectations. Most stress on the third, because that is the most prevalant in the world around us.

who said...

alass...
i was waiting for some sort of post on life AND
my patience come to an exiting and interesting end

on post now,
this is the best post ever!!!
I can resemble whatever u had written with the virtue of FORGIVENESS, forgive others and even forgive yourself (um.. u havent mentioned that )I agree one should not blame others all the time for whatever wrong (pressumed) thing happening in ones life and also there is no use of blaming yourself (for certain unavoidable & uncontrollable things only...)one should try to give best for particular relation, job etc and shouldnt expect much from others , it sounds so great but hard to implement...i think its not impossible but only will require another virtue PATIENCE , PATIENCE and MORE PATIENCE...

waiting for another best post.

Renita D'Abreo said...

Simple truths presented simply.

And though most of us agree, too few truly understand (much less put into practice!)

U No Hoo said...

True, difficult to implement but possible.

Besides, how did you stumble into my blog? Do not recollect you as a person I know. Thanks for stopping by anyways.

Anusha said...

What wen expectations r someway given by the ones expect from? Still they arent to be blamed for not living upto those expectations? Don't say subjective.

Anusha said...

So do I presume u hav nothing to say over dis?

U No Hoo said...

@Anusha: If someone has given you reasons to believe they will do something, surely it is fair to expect them to complete it. Hope you understand this post of mine has nothing to do with this point.

Anusha said...

Oh yes I do understand. This had nothing to do with those sorta expectations. Surely has something to do with the blog author. People have a lot of faith in you(& mind you they aren't fantasizing, you've given them enough reasons to believe so.)All this sounds too abstract right now. You'll understand everything when the big picture is complete.

U No Hoo said...

Huh? Ok, let me put this straight. Either you say things more clearly or you do not say things at all please. I do not even know you as yet. So stop commenting with abstract stuff.

Anusha said...

Phew. I believe your blog is open for comments. whether you understand them or not is entirely a different thing. What is irritating you so much? Is it the want of knowing what I meant expactly. Well,to that some things/people are only meant to show directions, you gotta find out the destination yourself.

I believe India is a democratic country and I will say what I have to,even if it seems abstract to you. As regards publishing comments, well there is something like moderation enabled by you, feel free to NOT PUBLISH anything if you don't want to, Its ur blog at the end of the day.I will say what I have to convey to you, whether you like it or not.